You wish you had this many chins.
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Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I can’t be the only one 😂
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me