You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
You Might Also Like
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly