You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*