Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

OMG 🤣🤣

Mistakes were made

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT