“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
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I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Guys, I found it.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.