You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me