You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.