“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
c’mon!
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.