Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.