You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
You’re not my real can
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident