You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
You Might Also Like
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.