me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
You Might Also Like
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Blew out my flip flop…
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Lucky old June.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.