you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Fiction has to make sense.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
watergate? u mean a dam??
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!