you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?