You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Am I having a stroke?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.