Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

I want this so bad

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

Did…did a minotaur write this

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.