You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
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My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS