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@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

@sarahkendzior

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

@iamjohnsarris

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

@ADifGuy

Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.

@ElleOhHell

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

@OakHill_

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

@GrantTanaka

son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka

@Darlainky

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@ddsmidt

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational