13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
You Might Also Like
Does your wife know you’re single?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Not today.. 😂
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life