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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted


Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.


Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.


Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.


“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka


All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk


him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.


Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.