[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I’m worried my car is high.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.