You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”