You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
We avoided this particular disaster
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.