Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

car not found

me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day