You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
#Caturday
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??