Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

My blood type is coffee.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:

6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha