You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
The days of good grammer has went
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My dress code is business-casualty.