@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

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@kimtopher22

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

@BadMikeyBad

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

@TOMayorFord

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

@shutupmikeginn

Me: your freezer went out I had to eat all the ice cream sandwiches
Friend: it looks like someone kicked the outlet back into the drywall

@daemonic3

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

@ObscureGent

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

@HenpeckedHal

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

@elle91

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels