You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.