This running bra is the best thing invented, they didn’t say I’d have to transform into gumby to get the damn thing off though.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
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My wife is still mad at me for that 20 minute blank stare I did when she asked me what I was thankful for on Thanksgiving day.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My favorite response to someone asking how something works… “Magic” even when I do know how it works. Because Lazy
“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”
Giant cheese wheel:
Twitter has taught me a couple things. First, there are some incredibly brilliant people in the world. Second, they are vastly outnumbered.