You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
President The Rock Obama
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right