You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.