You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
You Might Also Like
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
fly smarter, not harder
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
#titanic
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs