Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow