You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
These are my roll models.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.