You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
how high up are we talkin’?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
well this is just bullshirt
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️