You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
My dating profile:
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Every photo I’m tagged in
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Chemical wingman
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.