Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

When your man makes a valid point

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

Howl 😭

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

*gets down on one knee*

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

@funTweeters

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.