Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

I ain’t wearing no wire

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves