Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

“Miss me yet?” – 2019

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”