You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.