Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.