You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
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“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Breaking news:
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“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases