You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
