You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sounds like a bargain
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone