You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.