Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?

HER: camembert

ME: me either

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…