You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u