Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Honey I made you some hotdog water

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)