me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
this is so top tier i cant
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
the rocks need my help
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I don’t know what to do
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
giddy up Office Depot
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.