I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”