You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Born to be mild.