You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol