You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space