You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.