You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
You Might Also Like
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham