You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
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AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what