Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

another case of gang violins

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.