Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

sliding into dms like

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂