You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
sistine chapel
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
