You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
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You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids