If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
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Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
This pepper has seen some shit
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Monica just destroyed the internet
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
The symmetry is uncanny.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.