Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

Cats (2019)

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.