You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
then why did i get this email
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Yep.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.