“You’d better run, egg!”
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Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”