“You’d better run, egg!”
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.