9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
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at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname