My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?
You Might Also Like
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Your coworkers when you walk through the office with doughnuts.
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes