@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

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@Jarhead44

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@elle91

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

@causticbob

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

@Chhapiness

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

@TheRealNickKay

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

@gagging

I’m not going to sugar coat this – you have diabetes