“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc