“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
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So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back